Monday, September 05, 2005

For Opera Lovers,

I found this silly jerk-off gem on Wikipedia. I would love to see a whole serious opera chorus sing this version!

(sing to the tune of "Funiculì, funiculà"):

Last night, I lay my head upon my pillow,
But stayed up late, to masturbate.
Last night, I lay myself upon my bed, but
I stayed awake, for pleasure's sake.
You should see me working on the short strokes,
It's really grand, I use my hand;
You should see me working on the long strokes,
It's really neat, I use my feet.
Smash it! Bash it! Pound it on the floor!
Smite it! Bite it! Ram it through the door!
Oh, it's so neat to beat your meat while sitting on the toilet seat,
Isn't life divine,
Funiculì, funiculà.


At 11/05/2005 4:14 PM, Steve Ellis said...

What a very funny coincidence! I came across your site by accident as I did a Google search for the composer of Funiculi Funicula. Here’s the coincidence bit! I wanted to find it simply because, having been joking with an American friend about masturbation/jerking off/ or wanking as we call it in the UK. I wanted to send him words, similar to the ones you print, which we used to sing to the same tune when I was a Royal Marines Officer years ago in the Far East. All I aimed to do was remind him of the tune, and I got your version! Still laughing! Thanks!

Yes, it would sound tremendous with a full stage operatic chorus, but it was also pretty effective rendered by a group of pissed (as in drunk out of their minds, not pissed off lol), bootneck officers. Yes, terribly uncouth! Here are the lyrics we sung:

Last night I tried my hand at masturbation
And it was grand, I used my hand
Tonight I will repeat the operation
It will be great, I cannot wait
First, I’ll use the long stroke, up and down, up and down
Then, I’ll try the round stroke, around and round, around and round
Pull it, squeeze it, smash it on the floor
Twirl it, tweak it, trap it in the door
Some people say that sexual intercourse
Is really rather grand
But for personal satisfaction
I would rather use my hand

Or living and working here, as a the only Brit, in a very conservative, Turkish provincial town, I could replace the last 2 lines with

But out of sheer necessity
I just have to use my hand

Yours (with sprained wrist)


Note: continuing my search I discovered the original music is
Funiculi ' funicula '(music of Luigi Denza, text of Peppino Turco, 1880

I also came across this simple (hardly London Philharmonic!) sing-along midi version of the tune so if any of your readers want to sing-along, be my guest lol

At 12/02/2005 7:44 PM, Anonymous said...

I think that it is terrible of you to vulgarize Denza's Funiculi Funicula. There is enough perversion in this world already. Why don't you be content with that and stop trying to pervert what little clean intertainment there is? Hmph!


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